Up and Down

When January ended, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had gotten through the most depressing day of the year feeling pretty good. Maybe my seasonal sadness was all in my head and I had outsmarted it this year with therapy and self-awareness.

But here's what I realized: early February is my most depressing time of the year. For whatever reason - maybe the relaxation after having made it through January - I've been having some crappy days. Some people write when they're down; I hole up inside myself/my house/my office and shut down communication. I also eat way too much junk food, feel bad about myself, do very little at work and take everything very personally.

I've been seeing my therapist every other week for the past several months. I was in a pretty good place for most of this fall and winter. But two or three weeks ago, a big gray cloud just started following me around, getting a little bit closer each day.

I wanted to blame it on being stretched too thin, teaching at GWU on Monday evenings and going to church choir on Thursday evenings. But I'm taking weeks off singing, and teaching has holidays built into the spring schedule. So I'm only going to have both my Monday and my Thursday spoken five or six times between mid-January and late April. Pretty manageable really, especially considering that I get paid to teach at GWU.

The cloud is just there, not really the fault of anyone or anything. It's been ebbing and flowing a bit, and I've been trying to notice my moods, per my therapist, whom I'm seeing weekly for the time being. Wednesday, bad. Thursday, okay. Friday, up and down. Saturday, good. Sunday, mostly good. Today, not so great.

Amazingly, through my ups and downs, I've been very comforted by Petunia. Last night, when Basil was at his wits end with her, which hardly ever happens - I am usually the one with the short Petunia fuse - I was perfectly happy helping her play a new computer game and making pipe cleaner people with her.

The chocolate addiction has gotten way out of hand and has been joined by a general habit of eating too much and lots of junk food. Just ridiculous. I've put on about two to four pounds in the past couple of weeks, which is a big red flag, but I just can't be bothered to do too much about it. I know that eating through my emotions is not healthy, but I just do not have the strength or discipline to be all healthy and restrained right now. I'm focusing the health that I've got on my family and relationships. The diet and body will just have to take the brunt of the assault of the gray rain cloud for now.

I don't really have a point in writing this, other than the fact that I wanted to make sure people knew I was still alive and functioning. I wish I were functioning better, but - hey - March is only a few weeks away. (I guess it's good that my bad month is the shortest one in the whole year.)